Philosophers' Corner - Elements

Question: I am having a difficult time relating to my manager at work. I am having conflict of opinion and we are not seeing eye to eye on many issues which leads to tension between us. I don’t know how to deal with people like my boss and sometimes feel like quitting this job even though I can’t afford to especially in this difficult job market. Many times I feel like letting him know exactly what I think of him but have to hold my tongue out of fear of losing the job. I don’t know how to deal with him and would appreciate any insights you can provide. Thank You.

If you look at a difficult individual in your life as a symbol instead of a personality that conflicts with yours, then it can help you to understand your position in this conflict by using a model to look at a person. There are many different models for dealing with difficult people or situations. For example, the five element model can be used in workplace by first understanding what they represent to you. This is just one of the many models that you can use as a tool when dealing with an individual or a group of people. Building a model around a person you are having trouble with will allow you to deal with their personality. Elements can be used as a model to help build and understand another individual or personality. You can take a basic study of the five elements from a Chinese perspective or you can see what they represent to you and how you interpret them as they apply to a person in front of you. You must figure out what fire, water, metal, earth, or wood means to you. I would recommend taking a basic study of elements to give you some food for thought but ultimately you will have to discover what the elements mean to you and use them to create your idea of who that individual is. For example, when working symbolically, earth represents kindness, loyalty, nurturing, demanding, and stubborn will. Fire can be passionate, wise, powerful, cunning, and playful. Metal can be righteous, strong, sees things as black and white, demanding, hard to change. Wood implies stability, meticulous, order, logical, compassionate, loud, cranky, and many shapes and forms. Water is benevolent, adaptable, very powerful in action, has difficulty choosing sides.

Thus by understanding that this person is fire or water…that’s all that matters. You need to make a decision based on what you see. Based on your concept of what the elements mean its much easier dealing with difficult people. When you feel your blood boiling or temper rising to surface when interacting with a difficult individual, that’s the trigger and that’s when you should realize that this person is your teacher. Understanding where you stand within that realm of personality conflict is a good place to learn about yourself and dealing or diffusing the situation. View all situations in life as a working ground for better understanding of things around you in life. We can all learn about self from others and especially the difficult relationships. They become more like your teachers than your enemies.

Thus by understanding that this person is fire or water…that’s all that matters. You need to make a decision based on what you see. Based on your concept of what the elements mean its much easier dealing with difficult people. When you feel your blood boiling or temper rising to surface when interacting with a difficult individual, that’s the trigger and that’s when you should realize that this person is your teacher. Understanding where you stand within that realm of personality conflict is a good place to learn about yourself and dealing or diffusing the situation. View all situations in life as a working ground for better understanding of things around you in life. We can all learn about self from others and especially the difficult relationships. They become more like your teachers than your enemies.

For example, your boss at work is fire and you walk in with fire then you will loose. You can’t fight fire with fire because he/she is in control. But by understanding your boss’s element and knowing that they come from fire you can introduce other elements. By understanding their element you can introduce different elements. With practice you get better at reading people by using a model that works for you. It takes practice and reflection on your reaction to others. Water element can maybe calm down fire. You become your opponent by understanding them and don’t take it personally. You become more compassionate by understanding. Like in martial arts, you have to yield before you attack. True meaning of sparring is not beating your opponent but to become your opponent by understanding him or his element.

Its not about manipulating its about understanding. With practice you will definitely become more observant and able to analyze a person based on this model. You may already know a person in your life that can easily manipulate others based on their own model similar to the one discussed above and it may come naturally to them based on their own personality. However, manipulation and lack of compassion in the long run will be detrimental to you and your relationship with others. Over time people will notice how they are being manipulated and they will despise you or will be cautious when dealing with you. But if you deal with people by understanding their element and with compassion, then you will have much more options in dealing with that person without breaking the relationship. When dealing with superiors in workplace most of the time we do not have the option of leaving the job to avoid dealing with them. So there will be situations where you may not be able to walk away from. There are many things that this person can teach you. Applying the elements to this person will teach you, and you may not want to hang with them but you will be able to tolerate them by understanding where they are coming from.

Another example that might help you better understand this model is of a classmate in school that nobody likes to deal with. The whole class has a problem with this one person who is controlling while working together. Everyone finds him irritating and they try to avoid him. You have to deal with him only in school or while commuting to and from school. And for some reason this person always seems to tag along with you even if you don’t want him to. Most people get frustrated when this happens and either you avoid that person or sometimes tell the person to get lost. We all have right to be around people and you can learn about yourself if you deal with this person. They will not understand that there is something wrong with them or how they affect others. The idea is not to reach that person but understand your reaction to them and what element (or a mixture of elements) they are coming from. If they are fire and steel, then you can’t change them but understand how they are and how they invade you emotionally/psychologically. If they are getting on the train and tagging along, see how your temper flares instead of letting them bring out the anger. Some people do have different perceptions of where they are coming from then you are coming at them from different element.

Furthermore, you need to be mindful of your own emotions when you react to an obnoxious comment by a co-worker or classmate. By observing yourself you may notice how quickly we get defensive which limits out options. You get offended because you take their words personally instead of letting them roll off you like drops of water on a lotus leaf. Words would not have as much impact on you once you understand where that person is coming from.

Grow, Learn, and Teach. Breathe!!!